Yesterday I turned 49. It really was a great day. Low key. Late afternoon nap. Lots of calls and birthday wishes from friends and family all over the country and from all different times in my long, middle aged life :-).
Today feels like the day after Christmas. The eye opening day after the celebration that those bills will need to be paid and you need to go back to work. The day when gifts are exchanged and no one is saying Merry Christmas anymore. In my case, it was Happy Birthday.
This feeling was prompted by a trip to Target with my youngest daughter. As we were walking through the parking lot which has a slight uphill grade, I got to the door and was out of breath. Not completely, but enough to remind me I've blown off physical activity for a while and I am further behind in my marathon goal now just 15 months away.
Here are my words on my first walk back.....
On my way back to my home, I actually saw myself in downtown Chicago, finishing the marathon at the last mile. Amy is there. It is dark which means we didn't make it in the time limit but are still going. I see my son, and then my daughters and finally Matt jump out and finish the last half mile with me. I saw myself crossing the finish line. Exhausted. In my sister's arms. Bawling. Done.
This image brought tears to my eyes because I saw myself doing it. Not just saying I'm going to do it but actually doing it. I saw the months and months of transformation have a release in tears.
This morning's walk was good and so very hard because I really do hate this. I really resist and do hate this hard hard work of transformation because it brings up the many many sides of me I hate to look at. But I think I've finally matured enough to not try and get out of it, but realize I'm not going to get any better if I keep blowing off opportunities to grow.
So I'm keep a video blog. Each week.
Here I go... again... :-)
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Sometimes you have to say @#$%&* it........
It's January 15, 2015. This past October my sister and Amy and I made a deal that the year I turn 50, in 2016 we would complete the Chicago Marathon together.
It's January and I hadn't done much to get me ready for this crazy, now-unachievable-goal.
Two days ago I recruited the help of a former colleague and acquaintance who just started an online personal training business. I called her. Trepidlly. Nervously. Hopeful. Crazy.
My weight this morning was 239.8. Yes. that is correct.
I told myself I would give myself this year to train to get ready to train. By October 2015, I want to be ready to begin marathon training. That's means seeing that number go WAAAAAY down..:-)
Yesterday I began my new eating consciousness. I won't call it a diet because those are things you break. Eating consciousness means to me a purposeful, not haphazard, intentional way of eating my best. Kelly has me eating 200 grams of protein each day which for right now, I'm finding it difficult to get all in but I'll grow. I did my first strength training yesterday and felt muscles I forgot I had. But it felt good (When it was over :-)
Today I did my first cardio workout. Not just walking. Not just linear movement. But full body movement cardio meant to strengthen and get my heart rate up. And it did.
Those are the facts. But the here's the reality. At this same time, I'm experiencing one of the darkest, numbing times of my life. Friends are moving. And I've lost vision for why we are here. Yesterday I was extremely down. Somehow struggled through homeschooling my daughter.
Today I woke up feeling less emotional. But still determined. I had always wondered how this weight loss journey would integrate into the rest of my life and I think I found my first personal truth....
Sometimes you have to say &%$#*@ it.
I don't say that to be disrespectful or mean or even vindictive. I don't mean that towards any person. I mean that sometimes your personal motto has to be that. @#$%&* it to the voices. The messages. The regrets. The dynamics that are meant to squelch your spirit and purposes.
@#$%&* it to the voices you didn't even know you were listening to. (I think I'll write a book someday entitled that!).
When the family keeps me in this "You do it all mom" mode. When my husband or kids call my meals with vegetables "disgusting". When group leaders don't want your contributions just your money or food. When your heart and mind decide that you deserve to be treated like that. That you are less. That the current interactions remind you of all the painful interactions of your past. The ones that want to keep you down and sad. Sometimes you have to say @#$% it.
There is no way to be strong for these workouts to strengthen yourself physically if the voices you are listening to say you are weak. There's no way to power through a workout you've never done if you are listening to voices that say you are weak or not worth it or less. You have to be strong mentally, emotionally, personally, with a deep connection to your soul. That means to me with my God.
I also realize that saying @#$% doesn't mean being unkind. Unloving. Ungracious to those around us. It doesn't give us full permission to be a jerk because most of the times it's not a physical person. It's the way I have interacted in my world. It's the way I've seen myself. It's the way I never learned how to say, "no" or "enough" or "don't talk to me like that" or "goodbye". Saying those words in the past meant losing relationships and love. So we don't learn to say the necessary, protective words we need to say. I'm 48 and this has never been as clear. This is a lesson I never learned when I should have learned it in HS or college at least. But I didn't.
It's probably like boundaries. But I didn't know how to combine those with my desire to please God, my inability to say no, and my thirst for love and community.
So there I am. On this journey from zero to 50 in 2 years. I cannot do this without saying a little @#$% it. Without saying, "I'm doing this.". "I'm worth doing this, saying my words, enough.... "
http://youtu.be/oewVISY1Yhs
It's January and I hadn't done much to get me ready for this crazy, now-unachievable-goal.
Two days ago I recruited the help of a former colleague and acquaintance who just started an online personal training business. I called her. Trepidlly. Nervously. Hopeful. Crazy.
My weight this morning was 239.8. Yes. that is correct.
I told myself I would give myself this year to train to get ready to train. By October 2015, I want to be ready to begin marathon training. That's means seeing that number go WAAAAAY down..:-)
Yesterday I began my new eating consciousness. I won't call it a diet because those are things you break. Eating consciousness means to me a purposeful, not haphazard, intentional way of eating my best. Kelly has me eating 200 grams of protein each day which for right now, I'm finding it difficult to get all in but I'll grow. I did my first strength training yesterday and felt muscles I forgot I had. But it felt good (When it was over :-)
Today I did my first cardio workout. Not just walking. Not just linear movement. But full body movement cardio meant to strengthen and get my heart rate up. And it did.
Those are the facts. But the here's the reality. At this same time, I'm experiencing one of the darkest, numbing times of my life. Friends are moving. And I've lost vision for why we are here. Yesterday I was extremely down. Somehow struggled through homeschooling my daughter.
Today I woke up feeling less emotional. But still determined. I had always wondered how this weight loss journey would integrate into the rest of my life and I think I found my first personal truth....
Sometimes you have to say &%$#*@ it.
I don't say that to be disrespectful or mean or even vindictive. I don't mean that towards any person. I mean that sometimes your personal motto has to be that. @#$%&* it to the voices. The messages. The regrets. The dynamics that are meant to squelch your spirit and purposes.
@#$%&* it to the voices you didn't even know you were listening to. (I think I'll write a book someday entitled that!).
When the family keeps me in this "You do it all mom" mode. When my husband or kids call my meals with vegetables "disgusting". When group leaders don't want your contributions just your money or food. When your heart and mind decide that you deserve to be treated like that. That you are less. That the current interactions remind you of all the painful interactions of your past. The ones that want to keep you down and sad. Sometimes you have to say @#$% it.
There is no way to be strong for these workouts to strengthen yourself physically if the voices you are listening to say you are weak. There's no way to power through a workout you've never done if you are listening to voices that say you are weak or not worth it or less. You have to be strong mentally, emotionally, personally, with a deep connection to your soul. That means to me with my God.
I also realize that saying @#$% doesn't mean being unkind. Unloving. Ungracious to those around us. It doesn't give us full permission to be a jerk because most of the times it's not a physical person. It's the way I have interacted in my world. It's the way I've seen myself. It's the way I never learned how to say, "no" or "enough" or "don't talk to me like that" or "goodbye". Saying those words in the past meant losing relationships and love. So we don't learn to say the necessary, protective words we need to say. I'm 48 and this has never been as clear. This is a lesson I never learned when I should have learned it in HS or college at least. But I didn't.
It's probably like boundaries. But I didn't know how to combine those with my desire to please God, my inability to say no, and my thirst for love and community.
So there I am. On this journey from zero to 50 in 2 years. I cannot do this without saying a little @#$% it. Without saying, "I'm doing this.". "I'm worth doing this, saying my words, enough.... "
http://youtu.be/oewVISY1Yhs
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)