Yesterday I turned 49. It really was a great day. Low key. Late afternoon nap. Lots of calls and birthday wishes from friends and family all over the country and from all different times in my long, middle aged life :-).
Today feels like the day after Christmas. The eye opening day after the celebration that those bills will need to be paid and you need to go back to work. The day when gifts are exchanged and no one is saying Merry Christmas anymore. In my case, it was Happy Birthday.
This feeling was prompted by a trip to Target with my youngest daughter. As we were walking through the parking lot which has a slight uphill grade, I got to the door and was out of breath. Not completely, but enough to remind me I've blown off physical activity for a while and I am further behind in my marathon goal now just 15 months away.
Here are my words on my first walk back.....
On my way back to my home, I actually saw myself in downtown Chicago, finishing the marathon at the last mile. Amy is there. It is dark which means we didn't make it in the time limit but are still going. I see my son, and then my daughters and finally Matt jump out and finish the last half mile with me. I saw myself crossing the finish line. Exhausted. In my sister's arms. Bawling. Done.
This image brought tears to my eyes because I saw myself doing it. Not just saying I'm going to do it but actually doing it. I saw the months and months of transformation have a release in tears.
This morning's walk was good and so very hard because I really do hate this. I really resist and do hate this hard hard work of transformation because it brings up the many many sides of me I hate to look at. But I think I've finally matured enough to not try and get out of it, but realize I'm not going to get any better if I keep blowing off opportunities to grow.
So I'm keep a video blog. Each week.
Here I go... again... :-)
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Sometimes you have to say @#$%&* it........
It's January 15, 2015. This past October my sister and Amy and I made a deal that the year I turn 50, in 2016 we would complete the Chicago Marathon together.
It's January and I hadn't done much to get me ready for this crazy, now-unachievable-goal.
Two days ago I recruited the help of a former colleague and acquaintance who just started an online personal training business. I called her. Trepidlly. Nervously. Hopeful. Crazy.
My weight this morning was 239.8. Yes. that is correct.
I told myself I would give myself this year to train to get ready to train. By October 2015, I want to be ready to begin marathon training. That's means seeing that number go WAAAAAY down..:-)
Yesterday I began my new eating consciousness. I won't call it a diet because those are things you break. Eating consciousness means to me a purposeful, not haphazard, intentional way of eating my best. Kelly has me eating 200 grams of protein each day which for right now, I'm finding it difficult to get all in but I'll grow. I did my first strength training yesterday and felt muscles I forgot I had. But it felt good (When it was over :-)
Today I did my first cardio workout. Not just walking. Not just linear movement. But full body movement cardio meant to strengthen and get my heart rate up. And it did.
Those are the facts. But the here's the reality. At this same time, I'm experiencing one of the darkest, numbing times of my life. Friends are moving. And I've lost vision for why we are here. Yesterday I was extremely down. Somehow struggled through homeschooling my daughter.
Today I woke up feeling less emotional. But still determined. I had always wondered how this weight loss journey would integrate into the rest of my life and I think I found my first personal truth....
Sometimes you have to say &%$#*@ it.
I don't say that to be disrespectful or mean or even vindictive. I don't mean that towards any person. I mean that sometimes your personal motto has to be that. @#$%&* it to the voices. The messages. The regrets. The dynamics that are meant to squelch your spirit and purposes.
@#$%&* it to the voices you didn't even know you were listening to. (I think I'll write a book someday entitled that!).
When the family keeps me in this "You do it all mom" mode. When my husband or kids call my meals with vegetables "disgusting". When group leaders don't want your contributions just your money or food. When your heart and mind decide that you deserve to be treated like that. That you are less. That the current interactions remind you of all the painful interactions of your past. The ones that want to keep you down and sad. Sometimes you have to say @#$% it.
There is no way to be strong for these workouts to strengthen yourself physically if the voices you are listening to say you are weak. There's no way to power through a workout you've never done if you are listening to voices that say you are weak or not worth it or less. You have to be strong mentally, emotionally, personally, with a deep connection to your soul. That means to me with my God.
I also realize that saying @#$% doesn't mean being unkind. Unloving. Ungracious to those around us. It doesn't give us full permission to be a jerk because most of the times it's not a physical person. It's the way I have interacted in my world. It's the way I've seen myself. It's the way I never learned how to say, "no" or "enough" or "don't talk to me like that" or "goodbye". Saying those words in the past meant losing relationships and love. So we don't learn to say the necessary, protective words we need to say. I'm 48 and this has never been as clear. This is a lesson I never learned when I should have learned it in HS or college at least. But I didn't.
It's probably like boundaries. But I didn't know how to combine those with my desire to please God, my inability to say no, and my thirst for love and community.
So there I am. On this journey from zero to 50 in 2 years. I cannot do this without saying a little @#$% it. Without saying, "I'm doing this.". "I'm worth doing this, saying my words, enough.... "
http://youtu.be/oewVISY1Yhs
It's January and I hadn't done much to get me ready for this crazy, now-unachievable-goal.
Two days ago I recruited the help of a former colleague and acquaintance who just started an online personal training business. I called her. Trepidlly. Nervously. Hopeful. Crazy.
My weight this morning was 239.8. Yes. that is correct.
I told myself I would give myself this year to train to get ready to train. By October 2015, I want to be ready to begin marathon training. That's means seeing that number go WAAAAAY down..:-)
Yesterday I began my new eating consciousness. I won't call it a diet because those are things you break. Eating consciousness means to me a purposeful, not haphazard, intentional way of eating my best. Kelly has me eating 200 grams of protein each day which for right now, I'm finding it difficult to get all in but I'll grow. I did my first strength training yesterday and felt muscles I forgot I had. But it felt good (When it was over :-)
Today I did my first cardio workout. Not just walking. Not just linear movement. But full body movement cardio meant to strengthen and get my heart rate up. And it did.
Those are the facts. But the here's the reality. At this same time, I'm experiencing one of the darkest, numbing times of my life. Friends are moving. And I've lost vision for why we are here. Yesterday I was extremely down. Somehow struggled through homeschooling my daughter.
Today I woke up feeling less emotional. But still determined. I had always wondered how this weight loss journey would integrate into the rest of my life and I think I found my first personal truth....
Sometimes you have to say &%$#*@ it.
I don't say that to be disrespectful or mean or even vindictive. I don't mean that towards any person. I mean that sometimes your personal motto has to be that. @#$%&* it to the voices. The messages. The regrets. The dynamics that are meant to squelch your spirit and purposes.
@#$%&* it to the voices you didn't even know you were listening to. (I think I'll write a book someday entitled that!).
When the family keeps me in this "You do it all mom" mode. When my husband or kids call my meals with vegetables "disgusting". When group leaders don't want your contributions just your money or food. When your heart and mind decide that you deserve to be treated like that. That you are less. That the current interactions remind you of all the painful interactions of your past. The ones that want to keep you down and sad. Sometimes you have to say @#$% it.
There is no way to be strong for these workouts to strengthen yourself physically if the voices you are listening to say you are weak. There's no way to power through a workout you've never done if you are listening to voices that say you are weak or not worth it or less. You have to be strong mentally, emotionally, personally, with a deep connection to your soul. That means to me with my God.
I also realize that saying @#$% doesn't mean being unkind. Unloving. Ungracious to those around us. It doesn't give us full permission to be a jerk because most of the times it's not a physical person. It's the way I have interacted in my world. It's the way I've seen myself. It's the way I never learned how to say, "no" or "enough" or "don't talk to me like that" or "goodbye". Saying those words in the past meant losing relationships and love. So we don't learn to say the necessary, protective words we need to say. I'm 48 and this has never been as clear. This is a lesson I never learned when I should have learned it in HS or college at least. But I didn't.
It's probably like boundaries. But I didn't know how to combine those with my desire to please God, my inability to say no, and my thirst for love and community.
So there I am. On this journey from zero to 50 in 2 years. I cannot do this without saying a little @#$% it. Without saying, "I'm doing this.". "I'm worth doing this, saying my words, enough.... "
http://youtu.be/oewVISY1Yhs
Saturday, September 27, 2014
September 26, 2014.... starting out....walking
It has been a wonderful, strange Indian summer in the little rural town of Ryder, ND. My friend Kathy and I have agreed to walking three times a week and she showed me a great route past the eastern lake and through some farm fields. The route is approx. 3 miles. (Yes, I tracked it with my car :-). We walked twice this week and on Friday I ventured out alone.
This entire goal is coupled with the inner journey I've been on intentionally since July 4. A strange friendship interaction stopped me in my tracks and I was brought to a new awareness that there are real broken places in me and unless I pay attention to the speakings of my heart.... the emotional reactions.....the speakings of God in my spirit, this broken pattern will continue.
My late 30's and now all through my 40's have been a time of reflection, pain, escape, rebellion, and crisis. But I don't know if my life has ever been still enough to pay full attention to it. This past summer told me I'm far from over.
So this past Friday, I was beginning a part of my inner journey and needed to start to write my autobiography. The first step was to write memories of my first decade of my life. Easy right? Wrong. So very wrong. In the realization that I don't have many memories of those years and the ones that were most available to me were not positive in nature. This inner journey overwhelms me many times and it had this morning. I had to stop the reflection and I headed out side to my walking route. I grabbed my phone and put on the Chris Tomlin app as I allowed worship to recenter my crazy overactive mind.
I walked the path. It felt better than when I did it with Kathy. I think I was already getting stronger. One step at a time. When I got back, my mind had cleared. Love was expressed through those songs. Hope rekindled. It took me about an hour. Good beginning.
26.2 miles? At this pace I would need almost 9 hours. I hope to get faster... :-)))
But good beginning.
Here's the pic from the middle of our route. Fall in Ryder.
This entire goal is coupled with the inner journey I've been on intentionally since July 4. A strange friendship interaction stopped me in my tracks and I was brought to a new awareness that there are real broken places in me and unless I pay attention to the speakings of my heart.... the emotional reactions.....the speakings of God in my spirit, this broken pattern will continue.
My late 30's and now all through my 40's have been a time of reflection, pain, escape, rebellion, and crisis. But I don't know if my life has ever been still enough to pay full attention to it. This past summer told me I'm far from over.
So this past Friday, I was beginning a part of my inner journey and needed to start to write my autobiography. The first step was to write memories of my first decade of my life. Easy right? Wrong. So very wrong. In the realization that I don't have many memories of those years and the ones that were most available to me were not positive in nature. This inner journey overwhelms me many times and it had this morning. I had to stop the reflection and I headed out side to my walking route. I grabbed my phone and put on the Chris Tomlin app as I allowed worship to recenter my crazy overactive mind.
I walked the path. It felt better than when I did it with Kathy. I think I was already getting stronger. One step at a time. When I got back, my mind had cleared. Love was expressed through those songs. Hope rekindled. It took me about an hour. Good beginning.
26.2 miles? At this pace I would need almost 9 hours. I hope to get faster... :-)))
But good beginning.
Here's the pic from the middle of our route. Fall in Ryder.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
One Crazy Thought....
"I want to run the Chicago Marathon the year I turn 50....."
What? Did that actually come out of my mouth? It did. And now I'm stuck.
I told my seventh grade daughter whom I am homeschooling this year that one of the PE requirements is to be able to run the mile non-stop. She said, "No problem." Not convinced of her ability, I gave her another incentive. Competition. If there's one thing Cosette lives for is to prove her mother wrong.
"I can't run a mile", I said.
"Humph", she grunted. "Well, you'll have to come out there with me."
Not to be outdone by my strong, competitive daughter, I said these stupid, idiotic words...
"Ok, then I am going to run a 5K, a 10K, a half-marathon between now and my 50th birthday, then the Chicago Marathon the year I turn 50". (What?!?! Someone is feeling the manic side of my bi-polarism, if I was bipolar. Maybe I am? I'm so confused)
"Ok", Cosette said, unimpressed.
"Ok", I said, smugly. Terrified inside, but not letting HER know that.
Nice, impressive, movie of the week, inspiring goal, right? WRONG!
Did I forget that I haven't run in over 8 years since I did my first and last and ONLY half marathon? Did I forget that I am now weighted at over 200 pounds with a crappy right knee with 2 ACL repairs?
Did I forget that I often get so inspired and set these goals and never finish them?
Did I forget that I now live in North Dakota with it's terrifying winter right around the corner leading me to increased couch potato status?
Did I forget that I am 48? Non-athletic? Short legged? Prone to depression and not the greatest on finishing these types of goals?
Did I forget? Yes. But at that moment, it didn't matter. I know these questions I forgot at will become VERY relevant to me soon, but at that moment, when I made that challenge to myself, they didn't matter.
What did matter was I needed a goal. A goal for me. One that would push me beyond myself and into places. This was going to be it.....
This will be my Julie and Julia project. I will journal through this journey and it will end in October 2016 at the Chicago Marathon.
I may be thinner (Gosh, I hope so!)
I may be healthier.
I may not have any toenails.
I may lose my mind.
Or, I may rediscover it.
This I know. I'll be standing at the finish line that October day, Lord willing, and it will be party day. Celebration of completing this journey these next two years. I don't have any idea of who I will be. I don't have any idea of all that will happen. But I'm signing up for it.
I'm asking God to use this goal to do what He wants in me. More on that later. :-)))
But for today, this is my plan.
I'm insane.....
What? Did that actually come out of my mouth? It did. And now I'm stuck.
I told my seventh grade daughter whom I am homeschooling this year that one of the PE requirements is to be able to run the mile non-stop. She said, "No problem." Not convinced of her ability, I gave her another incentive. Competition. If there's one thing Cosette lives for is to prove her mother wrong.
"I can't run a mile", I said.
"Humph", she grunted. "Well, you'll have to come out there with me."
Not to be outdone by my strong, competitive daughter, I said these stupid, idiotic words...
"Ok, then I am going to run a 5K, a 10K, a half-marathon between now and my 50th birthday, then the Chicago Marathon the year I turn 50". (What?!?! Someone is feeling the manic side of my bi-polarism, if I was bipolar. Maybe I am? I'm so confused)
"Ok", Cosette said, unimpressed.
"Ok", I said, smugly. Terrified inside, but not letting HER know that.
Nice, impressive, movie of the week, inspiring goal, right? WRONG!
Did I forget that I haven't run in over 8 years since I did my first and last and ONLY half marathon? Did I forget that I am now weighted at over 200 pounds with a crappy right knee with 2 ACL repairs?
Did I forget that I often get so inspired and set these goals and never finish them?
Did I forget that I now live in North Dakota with it's terrifying winter right around the corner leading me to increased couch potato status?
Did I forget that I am 48? Non-athletic? Short legged? Prone to depression and not the greatest on finishing these types of goals?
Did I forget? Yes. But at that moment, it didn't matter. I know these questions I forgot at will become VERY relevant to me soon, but at that moment, when I made that challenge to myself, they didn't matter.
What did matter was I needed a goal. A goal for me. One that would push me beyond myself and into places. This was going to be it.....
This will be my Julie and Julia project. I will journal through this journey and it will end in October 2016 at the Chicago Marathon.
I may be thinner (Gosh, I hope so!)
I may be healthier.
I may not have any toenails.
I may lose my mind.
Or, I may rediscover it.
This I know. I'll be standing at the finish line that October day, Lord willing, and it will be party day. Celebration of completing this journey these next two years. I don't have any idea of who I will be. I don't have any idea of all that will happen. But I'm signing up for it.
I'm asking God to use this goal to do what He wants in me. More on that later. :-)))
But for today, this is my plan.
I'm insane.....
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