September 26, 2014.... starting out....walking

It has been a wonderful, strange Indian summer in the little rural town of Ryder, ND. My friend Kathy and I have agreed to walking three times a week and she showed me a great route past the eastern lake and through some farm fields. The route is approx. 3 miles. (Yes, I tracked it with my car :-). We walked twice this week and on Friday I ventured out alone.

This entire goal is coupled with the inner journey I've been on intentionally since July 4. A strange friendship interaction stopped me in my tracks and I was brought to a new awareness that there are real broken places in me and unless I pay attention to the speakings of my heart.... the emotional reactions.....the speakings of God in my spirit, this broken pattern will continue.

My late 30's and now all through my 40's have been a time of reflection, pain, escape, rebellion, and crisis. But I don't know if my life has ever been still enough to pay full attention to it. This past summer told me I'm far from over.

So this past Friday, I was beginning a part of my inner journey and needed to start to write my autobiography. The first step was to write memories of my first decade of my life. Easy right? Wrong. So very wrong. In the realization that I don't have many memories of those years and the ones that were most available to me were not positive in nature. This inner journey overwhelms me many times and it had this morning. I had to stop the reflection and I headed out side to my walking route. I grabbed my phone and put on the Chris Tomlin app as I allowed worship to recenter my crazy overactive mind.

I walked the path. It felt better than when I did it with Kathy. I think I was already getting stronger. One step at a time. When I got back, my mind had cleared. Love was expressed through those songs. Hope rekindled. It took me about an hour. Good beginning.

26.2 miles? At this pace I would need almost 9 hours. I hope to get faster... :-)))

But good beginning.

Here's the pic from the middle of our route. Fall in Ryder.

One Crazy Thought....

"I want to run the Chicago Marathon the year I turn 50....."

What? Did that actually come out of my mouth? It did. And now I'm stuck.

I told my seventh grade daughter whom I am homeschooling this year that one of the PE requirements is to be able to run the mile non-stop. She said, "No problem." Not convinced of her ability, I gave her another incentive. Competition. If there's one thing Cosette lives for is to prove her mother wrong.

"I can't run a mile", I said.

"Humph", she grunted. "Well, you'll have to come out there with me."

Not to be outdone by my strong, competitive daughter, I said these stupid, idiotic words...

"Ok, then I am going to run a 5K, a 10K, a half-marathon between now and my 50th birthday, then the Chicago Marathon the year I turn 50".  (What?!?! Someone is feeling the manic side of my bi-polarism, if I was bipolar. Maybe I am? I'm so confused)

"Ok", Cosette said, unimpressed.

"Ok", I said, smugly. Terrified inside, but not letting HER know that.

Nice, impressive, movie of the week, inspiring goal, right? WRONG!

Did I forget that I haven't run in over 8 years since I did my first and last and ONLY half marathon? Did I forget that I am now weighted at over 200 pounds with a crappy right knee with 2 ACL repairs?
Did I forget that I often get so inspired and set these goals and never finish them?
Did I forget that I now live in North Dakota with it's terrifying winter right around the corner leading me to increased couch potato status?
Did I forget that I am 48? Non-athletic? Short legged? Prone to depression and not the greatest on finishing these types of goals?

Did I forget? Yes. But at that moment, it didn't matter. I know these questions I forgot at will become VERY relevant to me soon, but at that moment, when I made that challenge to myself, they didn't matter.

What did matter was I needed a goal. A goal for me. One that would push me beyond myself and into places. This was going to be it.....

This will be my Julie and Julia project. I will journal through this journey and it will end in October 2016 at the Chicago Marathon.

I may be thinner (Gosh, I hope so!)
I may be healthier.
I may not have any toenails.
I may lose my mind.

Or, I may rediscover it.

This I know. I'll be standing at the finish line that October day, Lord willing, and it will be party day. Celebration of completing this journey these next two years. I don't have any idea of who I will be. I don't have any idea of all that will happen. But I'm signing up for it.

I'm asking God to use this goal to do what He wants in me. More on that later. :-)))

But for today, this is my plan.

I'm insane.....